Some Valentine’s Day jokes

_Elsa_

DieOmimi wakes up all cheery and full of laughter. She is not sure what to search for but since she’s a bubbly kind of fun person she decides to look for Valentine’s Day jokes.

‘Should you get sore in December, so many of your friends have birthday .... About 9 months ago was Valentine's Day. (not the best joke, but still the most harmless). 

A man comes to the post office and sees another man adorning a plethora of pink envelopes with heart stamps and then spraying them with perfume. He talks to him about what that is supposed to be. He replies: "Quite simply, I'm doing the mail for Valentine's Day." - "But why so many letters?" - "Well, I'm a divorce lawyer..." 

“Well maybe we can use these,” DieOmimi thinks. “Let me see what else I can find.” 

‘What did the Valentine’s day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

What's the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!"

What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"

What did one pickle say to the other? "You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!" (Source) 

“No those aren’t going to work,” she thinks. “Maybe I should look up jokes about couples instead.” 

That seems to work out better even though they are not holiday related. 

‘A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. 

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation." 

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."

Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill." (Source) 

“I hope that everyone likes this for the story,” thinks DieOmimi. “The joke about the forty-five year old ass is really funny!”

Let’s continue - Some inspirational quotes