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@Nat09 You are right on point! Shifting the focus changed my world! I remember the quote, I think it's from Eckhart Tolle where he says that anxiety comes when you worry about the future and depression comes when you worry about the past. The only moment we actually own is present and it's not called the present (gift) accidentally.
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Hi @Nat09 , @Elsa and @firebombmarkus .
I would like to thank you for the kind comments and to be honest, I didn't even wait that right now, 8 people would loved my comment.
First of all @Elsa , I lost my grandmother (from my mom's side) when I was 16 years old. Do you know how sad is when you come back from your Summer holidays and three days later, the person that you really loved all these years to die so suddenly?
(In my 16 years old, my grandmom died in September 2 and in September 14, I was ready to go in first class of High School and you know, new school, new experiences and so on) .
I know that many years passed from then but it still hurts and the worst part is that back then, I didn't have noone to support me and give me energy to move on. Actually, noone gave a care how I felt back then from this traumatic situation because as I said I really loved my grandmother and it costed me so bad and those new kids in school when they asked me why I was sad and explained them the situation with my grandmother, instead of supporting me, they just said: 'Oh did this happen? Don't worry, you will gonna overcome this soon. ' or 'Why are you crying? It's just your grandmother only and not your mother.'
I still remember their words and if I could, I would kicked them . Seriously, cause of that, I spent 3 years on High School alone. It was my choice because those people were very fake and very selfish. They cared only for which one is the best in class than to support each other.
Now about the psychologist that you mentioned @firebombmarkus , I went once to him when I was 13 or 14 years old and I was in secondary school in that case. Actually, cause it wasn't so easy to me to make friends cause of the fear that I had with bullies, my parents took me there so to help me to overcome that fear. But this psychologist was a very bad man. Not only he didn't listen completely my problems but he blamed me that I caused the trouble with bullies and he didn't even help. He treated me like a criminal. As a result, when I went out and explained in my parents what he said about me, my parents became angry and along with other parents who took their kids to this psychologist too before, they made complaints and he ended up in the jail in the end.
Thanks to this uncomfortable situation, I didn't want to go in psychologist again (and still, I don't wanna go) and about bullies, well, they targeted another new kid so they didn't tease me anymore.
And I made friends but there is a problem. Back then (cause I was born in 1992) , we didn't have our own cell phones and laptops too. As the result, when secondary school was over, I lost the contact with some of my friends. I discovered two of them on Facebook (I grew up and so I have my own laptop now) but the problem is that they live in another country so I'm here alone.
And @Nat09 , about the anxiety part, well I have it from when I was kid. I was the kid who tried all her best to pass the exams and brought good grades (cause my parents and actually my mom became angry with me if I even have a bad grade in my school card) .
Cause of that, I developed two kind of anxieties which I try so hard to overcome them but it's not easy.
It's the fear of failure and the trusting fear.
The fear of failure is and from what I said from my example, a fear that it actually came from my own parents. They never accepted my failures. Ok. From one side, I understand that they wanted the best from me but from the other side, when they shouted at me even and for the smallest mistakes, they made me feel so dumb, that I can't do nothing. Trust me, when my parents shouts in my face, I freaked out so much and as the result, I've got into anxiety mode and I can't focus well.
And the trusting fear is that I can't trust people so easily because some are fake and selfish like when I was in High School. Except from High School, I noticed it and in my three relationships that I made these years when I was still a student.
At first, everything were wonderful and they said those big words like 'I love you and I want to be with you forever or the rest of my life' but when it was time for next step so the relationship to become serious, they started the excuses. Th first one ' Sorry but I want free relationship so I can't be in love with you anymore' , the second 'sorry but I don't have my own home so to be officially together with you' and the third one 'you are good woman but I cheated on you yesterday' and he left like nothing to happen.
Cause of that, I'm not trusting noone so easily anymore and I keep my eyes open.
With few words, I'm sweet and kind girl but cause of my fears, I'm very sensitive so I cried very easily sometimes.
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@Sofia1992 what a strange coincidence that we both lost our loved ones at the same age! I had already graduated high school because in Canada the grades went up to 11th. I had no one there for me either. No relatives to offer support. I have a sister that is 4 years younger than me so she was 12 when he passed. She wasn't close to him like I was. The day of the funeral my sister and I stood there in front of the coffin and not one relative came over to stand next to us or hug us or give us a pat on the back saying that they understood. They all ran to my mother and my sister and I stood there. After the funeral many people came back to our house and still no one comforted me or my sister. I was so totally numb so I know what you went through too. Many times in the last few years I'd be on YouTube listening to father songs and the tears ran down my face, Today is a good day for me because I am not feeling the pain in my heart as I write to you. Maybe it's because I found someone else who understands what I went through.
I am very happy to hear that the psychologist was sent to jail! Shame on him for talking that way! My major in college was Psychology but I never went into practice because I didn't know what type of people that I wanted to counsel among the young, the families, the couples, the elderly. In the end I got so discouraged because they were promoting behavior therapy and I didn't buy into that. You can't try to change someone's behavior unless you know what caused it in the first place! So instead, I just became an educator helping others to understand what it was all about.
Girl,, you are no longer alone! You now have an extended family who love you so very much. Perhaps we can help you erase those bad memories and replace them with only positive energy.
OMG! You are bringing up some of my childhood memories. You wrote this: "I was the kid who tried all her best to pass the exams and brought good grades (cause my parents and actually my mom became angry with me if I even have a bad grade in my school card) ." OMG! Are you sure that we didn't have the same mother? My mother was very controlling and I had to do whatever she wanted me to do. I wasn't even allowed to curse under my breath. I thought my name was "son of a bitch" because that's all she said to me when I did something that she didn't like. When it came to school things she always tested me to see if I knew enough to pass the school tests. She would take my textbook and start asking me questions. I would explain to her that the teacher told us that the test would be on our notes. She didn't believe the teacher and asked me questions from the book. Of course, I wouldn't know the answers so she'd yell at me to go back into my room and study the book and not to come out until I knew it. Then she would yell out to me "are you ready now?" I can't even write anymore about this because the anger coming out of me now is insane!
Calming down now............... by the way, she also used to ask me why I couldn't be as smart as her friend's daughter, She told me that I wasn't college material and that I should take typing and shorthand so I could be an administrative assistant. I listened to her but when I was in my 40s I decided to try college. I graduated with both a Bachelor's and Masters degrees and with honors. Her answer " I always told you that you were smart".
Ok off the topic now. Sending this off because I have to go write more about Valentine's Day. I am going to be posting a message in each of the game communities. They will all be the same messages but with the characters from those games.
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@Elsa I'm so sorry that you passed a lot too.
First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and it's really sad that you didn't have noone to support you back then. I'm sorry.
Also, my mom too was and still is like perfectionist. She loves perfect things and she doesn't forgive mistakes so easily. I try so hard to make her proud but I can't, no matter how much hard I try. And when i was in school, she always wanted to check me every day if I read for tests or not and also, she yelled at me if I wasn't good enough and sometimes, she compared me with others too.
And about psychologist, well, it was a very bad experience and I don't want to live something like that again. And I don't wait from any strangers to show sympathy for me. Anyway...
The next month I will gonna be 28 years old (in March 1) and instead of being excited about my birthday, well, I'm not cause I don't have noone with me in my real life to celebrate my birthday and also, although I'm young, still I feel that I grew up alot. Sometimes, no matter how hard I tried, noone is happy with me.
I...I really wish to have a friend in real life. Someone who...who will gonna understand me and not to judge me. Someone who will make me happy and make feel alive.
Do you know how hard is to keep your smile and good mood everyday but...but in the end, you will never got respect or love from them?
It's sad and it hurts. It's sad that it's easy to have a lot of friends here in internet and the most of them to understand me and make me feel so alive and unique but in real life, to be all alone. Why? Will I gonna be alone forever? That's what I wonder.
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You are Loved!
To all of the dear friends who have already written here, my heart is so full of love and compassion for each of you. I want to take time to write you each an individual message over the next few days. Each story is different yet there are so many similar emotions and struggles. I will only send you each a big hug right now and loving kindness each day. @Nat09 @frenioz00 @BQN537 @Sofia1992 @Elsa @firebombmarkus
To that person who may be reading this now and who may be afraid to share their story--
I want to tell you that I am still sending you a big hug right at this moment. I will send you loving kindness every day. You are amazing. You don't have to share your story. You still have our support. Know that your struggles and accomplishments are every bit as important. You can message me or write on my wall anytime, or just be still and know that I love you! 🤗 ♥️🐳
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